Black Sails Episode XIII recap

I missed posting an Episode XII recap, but mostly our beloved cutthroats were moving chess pieces around before the fireworks began, and Episode XIII certainly delivered in more ways than one. So Flint’s deal is all about honoring his love for Miranda’s husband, Thomas, or dismissing his shame? It certainly brings a new and interesting element to Miranda’s relationship with Flint. The writers had us believing, at first, that Miranda was concerned about the repercussions of her affair with Flint, and I’m thinking, heck, lots of upper crusty Brits had affairs, but ah…no…we’s talking about the “profane” (according to Thomas’s dad) affair between Flint and Thomas. Apparently homosexual affairs led to hangings and imprisonment in the nasty Bedlam, where they probably tried to freeze or lobotomize the gay-ness right out. Poor Thomas.

I wonder how our pirates and Eleanor will feel if they ever discover Flint wants to turn New Providence into some utopian British society in honor of his lover…and not for pirate principals. Anyway, aside from forbidden love, this episode was all about the threesomes, starting with the opening scene.

Long John slithers his way out of yet another flogging or keelhauling. Billy Bones, like Flint, sees through Silver’s bs. The little power play between the two definitely set up some interesting dynamics for the future. Billy has come back from the dead a new man and he ain’t taking shit from anyone, and Randall likes him too, by god. (Although I have some reservations about Billy’s motives, but more on that later.)

Some of the exchanges between our threesome were priceless:

Silver: “I’m a hard man not to like.”

Randall: “We like him.”

Billy: “You are very dangerous or very stupid.”

Silver: “Possibly a bit of both.”

And when Silver contemplates offing Billy, Randall intervenes and warns Silver off: “We like him, too.”

Randall, the master of the understatement.

Number of Flint sneers. Folks, we may have seen the birth of the Flint sneer, over Miranda’s shoulder after they took Thomas away to Bedlam, which btw, was a pretty terrible place.

Flint is brilliant, delusional, or downright scaring the crap out of me. So all of this is because Flint is ashamed of his love for Thomas? Pissed he didn’t do more to save Thomas? This episode was key to revealing Flint’s psyche and while I’m still not convinced he isn’t completely mad, we see, at least he’s doing it for lurv.

Wenches behaving bad-ass-ly. This episode made me feel for Miranda and her plight. She wasn’t Thomas’ truest love and probably not Flint’s either. And in the end, Flint tells her he was ashamed that he listened to her instead of doing more to save Thomas. Ouch! But what? Storm Bedlam? Miranda was certainly the rationale one in that threesome.

This leads us to our final threesome of the episode. In Episode XII, Anne told Jack she wanted him to make sure Max didn’t get in between them, but really it’s too late and, I’m not sympathizing with Anne here. She gets pissed when Jack tells her the crew voted her out of a share, but Jack is behaving perfectly rational for a pirate captain and Anne should understand this. (Also, I have a hard time swallowing how a pirate crew would split shares with a brothel Madame and former prostitute no matter how much good Intel she’s bringing in.)

Pirate history check. So we got the big shocker this episode, but did pirates have sex on those long voyages? Granted Flint was not a pirate when he engaged in his extra-marital-male affair, but a technicality. Some of the 17th Century buccaneers practiced what was called, matelotage, a type of social structure where two men shared property which may have extended to sexual relations. However, there is nothing in the records that outright state pirates had sexual relations among themselves, and I imagine, if it occurred, it was along the lines of “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

Episode MBP (most badass pirate). I’m going to give it to whomever wins the fight between Vane and Flint.

Billy Bones, Billy Bones is our true hero. So how did Billy Bones make it back to New Providence? He posed this very question to Silver, told him maybe he should be more concerned over what took him (Billy) out of the drink (after Flint most likely tossed him in). I had this very same question when he popped up on New Providence in Episode XII. Somehow Billy escaped from the shrinking leather? Me don’t think so. Our Billy Bones may turn out to be a double dealing knave.

Jack Rackham quote. I quite enjoyed see the prostitute sketching what would become Calico Jack Rackham’s flag, and the classic death’s head, pictured below, and Rackham’s subsequent line: “We all have the same swords, we all have the same guns, but great art has felled empires.”

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Ten blow my scuttlebutts for “profane” love, three threesomes, and great art.

Black Sails Episode X

Episode IX left me wondering: How will Flint take back his command? Will Vane blast him out of the water when he returns to New Providence? Whose lips will Ned Low remove? Why don’t they name each episode?

We got some answers to these pressing questions, but not to the show’s Roman numeral naming convention. A good name for episode X would have been Don’t Fuck the Dairy Goat. But more on that later. The pacing this season has been breath-stealing. Many major plot issues were resolved in this episode. I thought they’d make us wait until mid-season to see Billy Bones. Squee! But I suspect the pirates have many more heads to sever with a rusty cutlass and they really can’t waste time on trivial matters.

I was worried about Mr. Meeks. I didn’t think he was going to last the episode. I couldn’t tear my eyes from his lips. (See previous review with background on real life pirate, Edward Low)

Long John slithers his way out of yet another flogging or keelhauling. Silver suffered quite a bit while trying to make Flint’s former crew turn against each other, but he didn’t let a few well-thrown punches deter him. He learned in the orphanage that it’s not about getting others to like you, it’s reminding others how much they dislike each other. We also learned Silver didn’t want to be a pirate. Sadly, his destiny is set, and, as his Treasure Island future self said, “Them dat die ‘ill be the lucky ones”.

Number of Flint sneers. He was sneer-less, not even after giving the order to fire and stealing Dufresne’s thunder. In fact, I believe the British aristocrat officers in the London tavern scene threw a few sneers Flint’s way.

Flint is brilliant, delusional, or downright scaring the crap out of me. I loved the lines from Flint’s Commodore or Admiral in the London flashback. (Don’t really know what his commander’s rank was.) Anyway, after Flint kicked British Lord butt in the tavern scene, his commander told him: “That thing which arises in you when passions are aroused. Good sense escapes you. All men have it, but yours is different. Darker. Wilder. I imagine it’s what makes you so effective as an officer. But when exposed to extremes, I could not imagine what it is capable of.”

Dufresne knows what “it” is capable of. Dufresne, you about to get your butt whipped, and Flint, your manipulation is a wonder to behold. First, he stroked Dufresne’s ego, told him how he’d known the man of letters, Dufresne, would be a good addition to the crew. Then, for Dufresne’s own good, he gave him a piece of sage tactical advice. Don’t take the eastern route back to New Providence, and tempt the crew with a fat, merchant vessel out of Kingston. And, of course, what did Dufresne do? He sailed east and pursued a prize. Did Flint actually want Dufresne to not sail east to keep Dufresne from successfully capturing a prize, and look good in front of the crew? Or did he gamble on Dufresne not taking his advice, sailing east, taking a prize, and failing miserably? I say the latter. Flint, yer a canny bastard. Flint orchestrated the death and destruction of his own crew to get his captaincy back. Is it possible a man could do such a thing, asks Dufresne? Why yes. Just ask Flint’s former commander about his dark and wild thing. Oh, and Miranda too.

Wenches behaving bad-ass-ly. Eleanor is in quite the pickle. Many factions are closing in on her. The newly formed Rackham, Max, and Anne triumvirate or threesome for one. Wonder when we’ll see that, eh, Starz? Add to that, Low’s frightening obsession with her. And what will Vane do? Anne seems genuinely torn between her passion for Max and obligations/feelings for Rackham. In historical records, Anne did sail off with Captain Calico Jack Rackham, along with Mary Read. When Rackham’s drunken crew encountered a privateer, who was hunting Calico Jack, they were easily subdued. Most of the pirates fled for the hold while Anne and Mary joined the fight to repel the privateers. Read called on the pirates to “come up and fight like men.” (from Daniel Defoe’s A General History of the Pirates)

On deck shenanigans. Pirate articles covered everything from prohibitions on gambling, share of spoils, and health insurance. Not sure I’ve come across a prohibition on beastiality. Flint’s crew forgot that one as well. But me thinks they’re going to add it now. Forget stealing food or wiping one’s arse with one’s hand. People, don’t fuck the dairy goat…or piss off the cook.

Pirate history check. Not really, but I’d like to make an appeal to restore one 18th Century tradition of starting meetings with the “Account of Goings On”. Volume the first, on this first day of February, in the year Two-thousand and fifteen. Weather is quite pleasant. Stomp feet. John was playing Candy Crush on his work computer. Jane was dozing in the break room. I think much office gossip could be deflated if we just aired the scuttlebutt from the get go.

Episode MBP (most badass pirate). While simply uttering Vane’s name kept a pirate from getting arrested, and while Flint is a master manipulator, Low wins out for sheer, gut-wrenching brutality. Bringing him on the show was a stroke of genius. The dude is unhinged. I was clenching my blanky in all of his scenes, wondering when the axe murderer in him was going to break loose. Loved it. And the actor who plays him is doing a great job. I bet he’s a really nice guy in real life, like the kid who played Joffrey Baratheon in Game of Thrones. Mr. Meeks, I knew you were not long for this world. Until Meeks’ head rolled, we didn’t see what Lowe was doing to him, but, oh, we heard it with sticky, wet, flesh-rending clarity.

Billy Bones, Billy Bones is our true hero. I knew it! Opening scene. But, why did they have to torture him? Pirates did some nasty things, oh no, that was the British Royal Navy, and the Spaniards, who came up with the foul technique employed by the Naval officer torturing our Billy. The Spaniards did concoct the Inquisition, after all. I’m pretty sure I’d take water boarding over being shrink-wrapped in leather and left on the beach to cook. I suppose the scenario was a combination of water boarding and death by leather.

Jack Rackham quotes. Jack was pretty subdued this episode. Actually he was pretty heart-breaking, as much as a pirate can be. So I have to hand over best quote to Randall, the cook. “I don’t like him.” Silver learned quite a bit from a man who barely speaks.

The first season got off to a slow start, spending the first few episodes establishing the characters. While the pacing was deliberate, it really paid off. Now, we have episode after episode of tense situations, and I’m invested in what will happen to each character, even the crazy bastards.

A full 10 out of 10 blow my scuttlebutts because, gosh darn it, Billy Bones is back! And for unmentionable acts with dairy goats.

Black Sails is Back – Review

Season Two of Black Sails has begun and I shall savor it until Outlander comes back. The eight Outlander episodes did not even whet my appetite for some Jamie Fraser. Sigh. But dinna fash!! says my inner fan girl because we get this:Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 11.03.06 PM

We have plenty o’ historical man flesh in Charles Vane, Long John Silver, Captain Flint…(plenty o’ woman flesh too 🙂

Last season’s final episode was fantastic. It was full of ass whooping and handing all around. Vane handed over Hornigold’s ass, Flint got some ass handed to him, and I’m sure Jack Rackham was concerned about getting anymore Anne Bonny ass after the New Providence pirates found out Rackham and Bonny murdered members of their own crew.

I’m waiting for my Billy Bones to come back. I know he will. He’s in Treasure Island. I know he will. (If I write it enough times, he will come)

I came up with what I hope is a more fun way of reviewing/recapping, all leading up to a final Blow My Scuttlebutt Rating for the episode. So onward to episode IX.

Long John slithers his way out of yet another flogging or keelhauling. This dude has more lives than a flea bitten feline. He volunteers to join Flint in capturing the Spanish ship (to which Flint sneers, see below), and while they sneak about the companionway where the Spanish crew are sleeping, he not only catches a bottle before it wakes anyone, but he steals the alarm whistle hanging right above a sleeping man’s head.

Number of Flint sneers. In watching the show, I found his sneers are in proportion to his current predicament. When he’s in charge and confident, it’s full sneer ahead. This episode contained about four sneers. A low count for Flint, but he’s fighting his way back to his captaincy. I particularly liked the one where he tells, Dufresne, that his former crew can F off for siding with a cowardly, sniveling shit of a mutineer. Those pirates were poetic. That just rolls off the tongue.

Flint is brilliant, delusional, or downright scaring the crap out of me. I’m going with brilliant this episode, but dude below is probably going with delusional, especially when Flint proposes they capture the Spanish warship anchored off shore. That is a serious scar tattoo, btw.

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Wenches behaving bad-ass-ly. Max has evolved quite a bit since we first met her in season one. From sex slave to throwing shade against her former lover, Eleanor, now she’s got her sights set on Anne Bonny. But her stunt in giving information to Ned Low about the Good Fortune (like, not!) was quite the play. Eleanor was banking on another pirate, Hallandale, getting that prize. Max is stepping up her game and show she’s not down with Eleanor’s power trip. Bring it on.Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 11.08.56 PM

On deck shenanigans. Lots of them, from Flint raiding the Spanish ship to Ned Low’s massacre of the Good Fortune‘s crew. (Wow. What an unfortunate name) I mean seriously, steer clear of any vessel named Good Fortune. You’re better off sailing on The Misfortune, or like, The Bad News Pirates.

Pirate history check. So we meet Ned Low, who appears to be based off of Edward Low, and from the historical accounts, was just as much an unrepentant sadist. The real Low reputedly tortured some prisoners by cutting off their lips before killing them. But that was an amuse bouche really. (Ha, amuse bouche…) Afterwards, he massacred over 60 Spanish prisoners before fleeing north toward the American coast. Based on the Black Sails Low’s story of cutting out someone’s tongue, seems they plan to draw on the historical Low’s brutal reputation. You don’t need to make this shit up.

Episode MBP (Most Badass Pirate). It’s between Low and Flint with honorable mention to Vane’s derriere. Flint, with a reluctant, Silver in tow, boarded the Spanish ship and almost single-handedly took it over. The man just don’t mess around  And really, he looks quite dashing in His Majesty’s Navy blues. I’m excited to see his backstory, meeting Miranda, and what events led him and Miranda to New Providence.Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 10.58.17 PM

Jack Rackham quote: He gets the best lines. After he gets the crap kicked out of him and the pirates, ah, relieved themselves on him, he encounters Anne in the brothel and tells her what happened, ending with: “They pissed on me.”

Billy Bones, Billy Bones is our true hero. Alas, Billy hasn’t shown up yet but who is this new dude playing Dufresne? Apparently, the actor is Roland Reed, replacing Jannes Eiselen. Something about this actor’s beady eyes that rub me wrong. The old Dufresne had puppy dog eyes that just drew me in even when he was plotting against my favorite sociopath, Flint.

9 out of 10 Blow My Scuttlebutts: eight for lots of action plus one for unconventional pirate urinary habits.

The Crossbones Finale

Crossbones aired its final episode, and by final, we’re talking end of show. It’s not surprising they decided to cancel. While I found some of the drama compelling and Malkovich’s scene chewing fun to watch, the plot meandered between different characters without really settling in. What was touted as the MacGuffin, the chronometer, was quickly disposed of rather anti-climatically in, oh, the third or fourth episode, leaving me flapping worse than a loosened sail. It popped up again in the finale and I have no idea how it wound up in the hands of the Spanish fleet. I really would have liked to have learned more about Lowe’s past as the king’s spy, more about Blackbeard himself, or more from Charlie Rider. He grew on me and I was glad to see him surface and kick ass in the final battle. Charlie, mate, take yon red coat and head on over to New Providence and join Flint’s crew.Crossbones, Blackbeard, Charlie Ryder

I expressed my dislike in a previous post over the liberties taken with historical fact surrounding Blackbeard’s life, and still believe the show creators could have incorporated the facts about Blackbeard better, if they were going to use him at all. The show professed to be based off of Colin Woodard’s book, The Republic of Pirates, but I saw no resemblance whatsoever to the book. Once again, why not just create a new pirate character? I guess they thought Blackbeard’s name attached to the show would bring in more viewers, which is true, but for me it detracted from the show.

While I liked Kate Balfour in the beginning, she really began annoying me toward the end. So self-righteous toward Lowe, as if she bore no responsibility for her actions. And her attempt to abort her and Lowe’s unborn child because she didn’t think her husband, James Balfour, could stand another tragedy just struck me as another plot device to increase drama and conflict. Who knows? Maybe they began that subplot before knowing the show would be canceled. I was surprised at how neatly they wrapped everything up, making me think they had an alternate ending already shot and ready to go when word came down about the cancellation.

I was actually okay with Selima’s fate. (This was actually the best use of the highly derivative, yet pretty freaky Antoinette.) Selima failed to stir any emotions in me beyond distaste. I didn’t get her at all, and once again, could be because of the failure to develop the secondary characters. Case in point, and I apologize once again for the Black Sails comparison, take Max from Black Sails. She went through some pretty heinous sh@&* as the pirate sex slave. When she escaped that situation, coming out stronger and tougher to challenge the brothel madame, I liked her loads more than in the first few episodes because I could empathize with her choices after the horrible experience.

The only person who seemed to really go through some heinous sh@%$ on Crossbones was Lowe and the constant threat of death. And let’s discuss that more shall we, because I never believed for a second, in the what? three times they almost killed him, that they would actually really killl him. The plot device grew old fast. And what was the point with trepanning Blackbeard’s skull except to make my intestines shrivel and squirm?

So in the end Blackbeard walks off into the sunset. Who’s shriveled head did Lowe deliver to the Brits in Jamaica? And is Lowe a pirate now? Will he and James Balfour share daddy duties to Kate’s child? I guess we’ll never know.

Pirate Shenanigans: Black Sails and Crossbones Comparison

black-sailsJust like a spicy glass of wine or pecan praline ice-cream, I couldn’t resist a comparison of Black Sails and Crossbones. Regardless of what I think of either show, it’s super exciting to have two pirate shows on tv that are attempting a more serious, grounded take than say, Pirates of the Caribbean (which is still enjoyable if only to see Depp and Rush as Sparrow and Barbosa). Another show called Port Royal was supposed to go into production, but maybe they dropped it. (I think it was HBO) So tons of credit upfront to the creators and producers for giving us these shows!

First, I offer kudos to both shows for featuring strong female characters. We have Eleanor Guthrie, Max, and Anne Bonny from Black Sails; and Kate, Nenna, and Selima on Crossbones. These women are working hard to survive and carve out some semblance of independence and strength in a world where women were treated like chattel. And at least, Black Sails doesn’t try to make these women necessarily heroic or independent of the male-dominated social structure. They have to survive within that society, including sleeping with men to get what they want. I don’t believe for a second Blackbeard on Crossbones would be keeping Selima around with her refusing to sleep with him. For someone like Blackbeard, she has nothing to offer that he doesn’t already think he can do for himself. So maybe there’s something else going on between those two the show hasn’t yet revealed.

Now the sheer nature of the pirate havens like New Providence and their looser hierarchies probably provided a smidgen more social space for women to be independent. Eleanor Guthrie is an interesting character, having taken over her father’s merchant trade and using that to gain power and influence. But she pissed off Charles Vane and I’m excited to see that play out next season. Max is a prostitute yet she climbed out of becoming a literal slave to the pirates to a powerful force, running the brothel with Jack Rackham.

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Anne Bonny from Black Sails

The historical, Anne Bonny, and her female pirate counterpart, Mary Read, were truly fascinating figures.
Historical records show Bonny left a fairly prosperous life to marry a penniless sailor. When her father disinherited her, she and her husband moved to the Bahamas. Continue reading

My Pirate Heroes

Pirates. A far cry from Urban Fantasy, but, oh yes, pirates. Errol Flynn had me at arrrrgh with his first swing on the rat line in Captain Blood. Or maybe Tyrone Powers in The Black Swan. Maybe it’s the black boots, the swagger, or the devil may care attitude, but pirate heroes are my ultimate bad boys. (And I did love Depp as Jack Sparrow in the first Pirates, but that series lost it’s footing. I actually looved Geoffrey Rush as Barbossa)Devil's Island, Sea Rover's Passion, Mimi Sebastian

And I mean pirate heroes. Not a privateer or falsely accused sailor. Like vampires who actually drink blood, I like my pirates to plunder from the East India Company and give to the disenfranchised. Okay, I know they probably had bad teeth and smelled like bilge, but this is romance, dammit.

I read a very excellent book, The Republic of Pirates, by Colin Woodard (tv show based on the book coming soon, SQUEEEEE). Woodard focused on three of the more successful Caribbean pirates: Charles Vane, Edward Teech a.k.a. Blackbeard, and Black Sam Bellamy, and the British patriot, Woodes Rogers, who eventually played a huge role in ending the Golden Age of Piracy (1715 – 1725). A great book worthy of a read. It inspired me to finally write a pirate historical romance, Devil’s Island, and inspired my hero, Captain Boone Wilder. Continue reading